(no subject)
in the pink
missangelstarr

So much for good intentions. So much has happened since that last entry... Some of it good. Some bad. I think I've finally accepted that good and bad can go hand in hand. I can't spend my time stressing about the negative when the positive always seems to be waiting around the corner. Maybe that's why I haven't written much. Unfortunately I seem to be at my most creative when I'm upset. Hopefully that changes soon or I find a way past it otherwise this journal is destined to be abandoned like the last one was.

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Out with the old... ready for the new?
in the pink
missangelstarr
I think so.

3:2 -MOVIE SCRIPT ENDING 3/4/09
in the pink
missangelstarr

Everything and nothing about that night made sense.

Things were so broken yet they seemed to come together perfectly.

Up to the point where there was nothing left but to say goodbye.

And we did.

The door closed and he was gone.


Then it came to me in a moment, in a song lyric...

Movie Script Ending.

Watch him leave, get your closure.

But he was already back... or, perhaps more importantly... he was still there.

That phrase took on an entirely new meaning.

Something in me broke at that second.

It was a long time coming, an unexpected way for it to happen...

and I knew nothing could be the same.

It wasn't just about us.

It was about me.

My usual way of guarding myself and pretending to be unaffected wasn't going to work this time.


The second I saw him I was overwhelmed with the fear that we had chosen wrong.

That he wasn't supposed to leave... not yet.

That this was our only chance.

Something told me that we would regret this.

But he still left.

And I was alone again... to think, to try to figure out what all these things meant.

Maybe I had to let him go but there was still something left unsaid.


So I made a phone call...

and I said it.

Spontaniously,

Honestly...

For the first time in years,

and I knew I really meant it.


With that confession, as much to myself as to him, my thoughts seemed to take a new direction.

I realized suddenly that maybe all these signs weren't for him at all...

Maybe they were for me.

Instead of things aligning to keep him here,

maybe it was just a sign that I wasn't supposed to let go yet.

That saying goodbye wasn't the right thing to do.


So what next?


Do I betray myself and my feelings by resigning myself to a platonic friendship?

Do I go back to being that person who keeps her feelings bottled up just to avoid making someone uncomfortable?

How can I look at his face knowing that I love him and that it may never be enough?

How can I call him a just a friend when he's felt like much more than that from the very beginning?

It doesn't seem to be an option for me at this point.

Nor can I convince someone that taking a chance is the only thing that makes sense...

when to him it isn't.


I can't expect him to ignore his issues...

or his fear that he isn't ready for me and may never be.

Any more than he can expect me to deny my issues...

and the fact that I really want us to be ready, and I'd like to work towards it, even if it can't happen just yet.

Walking away obviously isn't the healthiest idea for either of us.

We've gone through so much in such a short time to end up here,

and in spite of how hard things can get and how much pain seems brought to the surface by this,

it's honest...

and it's real.

If that is enough to make us deal with the issues we've each been burying all this time,

then maybe it's good for both of us.

Maybe we really are good for each other...

in any form that has to take.

I think this is something we shouldn't throw away.


So the question is:

If we acknowledge the things that neither of us can do

and what both of us shouldn't do,

how can we figure out what we have to do?

I guess that's something that still needs figuring out...


I just hope that we will get the chance before it's too late.


Don't. Tell. The Girl. The Truth.
in the pink
missangelstarr

Don't...
Say the word 'friends' like it's a time bomb
Ready to blow us both to pieces.
Don't give me enough rope to hang myself...
and you.
Don't tell me how amazing I am...
Then follow it with all the reasons that it will never be enough.
Don't tell me those things, when we both know it would be different if you meant it...
really meant it.
Don't make me doubt you, and give me enough time to deal with and accept it...
Before pulling me back in.
Don't make me believe in you if you will never prove me right.
Don't be like all the others, when I thought you were anything but.
Just don't.

Tell me I'm not enough.
Tell me I'm too old...
Too tall...
Too heavy.
Tell me I'm not smart enough...
or fun enough.
Tell me there's someone else.

Anything would be easier.

Maybe, as cliche as it sounds, you just liked the idea of me...
more than you liked the reality.
It's okay, it's happened before.

The girl who will embrace every fault you can throw at her...
The girl who lets you know she likes you, but doesn't force it on you...
The girl who wants you at your best, but will take you at your worst...
The girl who won't fall until you tell her to...

I get it. I do.
But I can't be that girl for you.
I can't be that girl anymore...
It works for everyone else, but not me.
I want a chance to fight for something that makes me happy.
Maybe it's time to be selfish...
to tell the truth.

Well...

The truth is, I don't need more friends.
The truth is, I've been shutting people out of my life for years unless they earn their place...
and this is you...
going backwards.
The truth is, I like you too much to accept that.
The truth is... we (you) figured it out too late...
The truth is, I made an effort because I wanted to...
 and because I thought you wanted it too...

But if I was wrong...
It's time to stop, and turn my focus back to my real friends...
the ones who wouldn't hurt me like this, by asking me to give up on them.

That's the truth.
Sorry.
 


What to do?
in the pink
missangelstarr


It seems I've found myself in a pretty difficult situation and I'm not really sure what needs to be done to fix it.

For the last couple months I've been spending lots of time with someone who I really like. We'd been very reluctant to put a name on it or allow it to progress too far because we both had quite a few issues that needed sorting. Trouble started when I took the time to do some serious thinking about things... it was part of a much larger scope for my New Years plan. I wanted to know where I stood. If we were dating, which is what it felt like, I wanted to be able to call it that. I've swept too many potentially good relationships under the rug out of fear or god knows what and I didn't want to do that this time around. I also thought that maybe if we came to the conclusion that it could never go anywhere then we should backtrack so maybe a friendship could be saved. I put myself out there... for the first time in ages... and I got rejected. Well, sort of. Not sure what to call it but I was basically told that we should hit the brake and be friends. That was it. I don't think I had any clue how optimistic I had been about things until I was shot down. I knew from the start that there were a million reasons to hold back... but I've been doing that for way too long. I think I let myself believe that over time things would be easier and we could figure out a way to make it work. Maybe I jumped the gun. It is in no way his fault. He was very honest with me from the beginning... I just got caught up. When I sent him that message I think I had fooled myself into thinking that he felt the same way... I was a little shocked that he would condemn us to friendship so quickly. It hurt me much more than I'd care to admit... not just because I liked him or I felt rejected (which is true on both counts) I think the worst part is not having a choice in the matter. One of the first times in well over a year that I wanted to try to make it work with someone...no matter how tough it may have been or how much time we needed to take, I was willing have the patience or even work at it if that's what it took, which is rare for me... and now I feel like I am being forced to give up and there's nothing I can do about it... that hurts the most right now. His reasons make sense, he has ex issues and and is afraid to hurt someone etc. I was tempted to believe this was a way to let me down easy, but I think he is being sincere. Funny, these are the same issues I've used as an excuse to stay distant for years and they've come back to haunt me in a new way.  The sad thing is that by not being willing to try he is hurting me more than if we took a chance and things didn't work. I've been through breakups... I've been through heartache. I've been cheated on, dumped, lied to, mislead... you name it and I've dealt with it... but in the end, I wouldn't have taken any of those relationships back. I grew and learned from every one of them. They all made me stronger and without exception I've come to a point of acceptance and friendship with all those involved. I wouldn't trade the bad times in if it meant not having the great times. It took me quite awhile to get to the point where I could acknowledge that and not be down on myself for my failed relationships... but I'm there. The only regrets I've ever had are when I held back or ran away from an experience or times when I stayed too closed off or distant. Any attempt I make to back off and be just his friend will inevitably be forced and I don't want that. This was proven yesterday. We talked on the phone after I got his response and I agreed to meet him for a drink when he got out of work. I almost cancelled him but I ended up getting Lou and Joe to cover the bar for a bit so I could spend a little more time with him and maybe clear things up or try to figure out a way to get over myself and just accept his decision. We met up and after a little bit of awkwardness we were right back to normal... well maybe better. Somehow I end up talking about my dad... really talking about it... which just made me more confused that I would let myself open up like that when everything is so unresolved. Regardless, it made me realize, for better or worse that we've already gotten pretty close... closer than I get to most people. I ended up getting Mike to go in and close so I could take the night off and we could spend a little more time together... a tiny part of me thought it may have to be the last time for awhile. In the end it turns out that our first attempt at friendship was a failure. I'm not upset about it...  I definitely don't regret it, it wasn't a mistake, in fact we talked a tiny bit before it happened. Unfortunately it felt so normal and right this morning that I knew I wasn't ready to give up on this yet. I don't want to be friends. I don't want to make myself pretend I don't like him... it's too late for that. I find it hard to believe that we didn't meet for a reason. We've been orbiting around each other for years, same social circles, same hangouts, same friends in some cases but we never meet until we happen to both be single? I'm not saying it was some case of divine intervention or anything but the odds are pretty slim, especially in this city... I feel like it must mean something. It seems like all the external circumstances are perfect but we just can't get it together and it kills me.  I do like him, we're good together... and somehow, in spite of everything, I'm really comfortable with him... how am I supposed to pretend that I'd be happy just being friends? I think that if he's not willing to think about things and maybe try to figure out a way for us to make it work... whatever 'it' may be... I may have to walk away from this one for awhile which will be really hard. I hate to admit I'm a little lost this time around.
 


Jump
in the pink
missangelstarr
I'm chalking all the awkwardness up to our seemingly mutual insecurities.
We have doubts, maybe we're scared of what we're getting ourselves into...
who knows?
All I know is that I'm happier when you're around than I have been in long time.
What we have is good... despite being indefinable.
I'm not going to try to pull away.
Any fears I have about where things are going are overshadowed by the positive...

I'd like to think I still have it in me to close my eyes... jump in... and hope for the best.

2009!
in the pink
missangelstarr
It seems I'm already slacking with this journal...  I'm not going to stress about it too much. Knowing it's here is enough. I've been way too busy in the last week to think about sitting down and writing much. However... I'm at the bar an hour early for my shift... so here I am.
My New Years Eve was interesting. Had a few places in mind that I was going to go to and a few people I wanted to see but since it was so freezing cold outside I had to prioritize... so I ended up at Jerky's where Michael was DJing. Got there right as the ball dropped...  saw a bunch of people who I haven't seen in awhile which was amazing... danced ALL night despite the real odd crowd. Remembered the New Years I was working at Liquid Lounge and they all showed up to hang out and keep me company... one of the only good memories I have of that job. I love those kids... wish I got to see them more often but life seems to get in the way... maybe I should work on that Snuck downstairs to Hell for an hour or so to dance and say hi to a few of my favorite people who still work there. Got hit on by a creepy couple who thought the girl I was with and I were swingers... forgot until that moment that it was fetish night. Then got picked up to try to go to a warehouse party in Olneyville but got there too late... decided to go back to my house to watch movies... so while I didn't get to have a New Years date this year I did end up getting to wake up with the person I was hoping to start the year with so I guess everything works out in a strange way... made breakfast this morning and now I'm waiting for what will inevitably be a very long slow night at the bar...
Still plan to work on the things I was writing about earlier... half failed one of them already but I'm giving myself a little more time.

New Year's hopes on Christmas day...
in the pink
missangelstarr
I'm over Christmas... anyone who knows me knows that holidays are tough for me anyway and since this is the third year in a row that I've worked in the mall at Christmas time this is quickly becoming my least favorite. I've been working way too much, I think my feet may hurt for the rest of my natural life....so yeah, Bah Humbug.
There have been a few highlights:
Williams Sonoma candy and Winter Forest candles!
Hot Cocoa w/ peppermint schnapps!
Snuggling on the couch with Scoobie, movies and said hot cocoa every chance I get.
Snowball fight during the mall fire drill.
The cutest Christmas tree ever.
Also, we had a party at the bar last Sunday... which I had been looking forward to and which did not disappoint. Amazing friends, some odd gifts and some really thoughtful ones, FREE drinks!!, jukebox takeovers...a bit of dancing and a fun date that I got to wake up to in the morning. All in all, not too shabby.

That being said New Years is right around the corner and as always it's a time of year when I start thinking about how my life has evolved in the past three hundred some odd days (359 I think, at this point) and thinking about things I'd like to continue working on or give up in the next year. NOT making resolutions, I've never been a fan of those... the only thing worse than breaking a promise is breaking one to yourself... just reflection.

My biggest accomplishment this last year is finding independence... I was single, really single, for the majority of the year which is a big change... in years past, even when I was 'single' I was still seeing someone, or worse, living with them... whether out of loneliness or habit who can say, but this year was different. I am also living by myself for the first time in awhile and though I doubt it will be permanent I am comfortable with it, which is a huge step. My jobs have made me a decent amount of money and this year I have not had to struggle financially and was even able to afford a few much needed mini vacations to help me cope with my wanderlust.

My only hope for next year is that things continue on this path to a stronger me and maybe, as always, I can work on my ability to communicate a little better. I've been progressing a little in that respect and I think I am leaps and bounds ahead of the 20yr old me, but there is definitely work to be done and I am still far more expressive on paper (or laptop) than I am in person which I am coming to realize isn't all that horrible, and while I am still trying to find a happy medium, I think I may be willing to accept that maybe that's just the way I am. There are worse things...
Also, in keeping with the hopes for a stronger more resolved lifestyle... I think there are a few things up in the air right now that I need to figure out. My apartment for one. I was debating for a short time investing in some property whether it be a house or a condo but with the economy being what it is, that is out of the question for a couple years at least. In the meantime, I have a great apartment that I get a good deal on with a landlord that I consider a friend and who would never raise rent on me or leave things in disrepair like past landlords have... so, why do I have a room full of things that are still packed after a year and a half? Because I have spent so much of my life jumping from one place to the next that I think I have lost my ability to commit to one place... I need to break down and fix this place up as if I plan to live here indefinitely. I need to unpack. I need to acknowledge that I plan to be here for awhile and that I'm not just waiting for the next place to open up. I've committed to staying in Providence finally... this is just the next logical step.
Second... my jobs. I have been at Sonoma for two and half years now, which is longer than I have ever stayed at a job and yet I don't take it seriously. I have no desire to advance any further and I get annoyed when more responsibility is expected of me. They give me a retirement plan and an amazing discount and are flexible when it comes to my shifts at the bar and yet I'm not really happy there. At the same time I am not unhappy enough to leave. Sometimes I think I should quit just so life doesn't get stagnant and I am forced to decide what I really want to do... and other times I think that's just another way of running.
And finally, my love life... for lack of better terms. As I said, I spent most of 2008 single... at first it was very much on purpose... then it got comfortable not having to worry about someone else... I had a very short and very casual fling after a three year build up, which was nice, but doomed from the start and ended up in a close friendship. Then there were a few dates.and a few disasters including yet another minor stalking incident...
Lately I have been spending time with someone who is very similar to me.. which is as comfortable as it is scary. When we are together we have a good time but when we are apart I wonder sometimes if he likes me at all. This is due in part to my own insecurities obviously, but also due to the fact that I met him at a pretty rough time in his life. Fact is, we started out having sex and not realy hanging out and then, up until the Christmas party, it had developed into us hanging out alot more... but not having sex. It's been months and it seems that neither of us is much closer to knowing what we want than we were when we started. So... do I commit to giving things an honest chance (if he's up to it) or do I condemn us to platonic friendship even though I don't really want that? I'd like to start the new year with a better grip on things, so I don't think I can let us stay in limbo any longer before we end up not being able to even salvage a friendship... which would be pretty tragic, considering how well we get along. I need to address this sooner rather than later but I am still unsure how to go about it.

Anyway, that's what's been going through my head all day... sure I'll figure it all out eventually.
Merry Christmas! I have to go get ready for work...

(no subject)
in the pink
missangelstarr

Ok... Guess I worked out the iPod bug. About time. Though the editor is a little annoying and this keypad is for suckers so I doubt any long or involved updates will be written on here. For now though, I'll deal. I am all by myself in the bar... ZERO customers so needless to say I'm a bit bored... Watching crappy crime dramas and wishing I was in bed... Had our bar Christmas party last night... Drank a ridiculous amount of alcohol... Then went to bed... Thought we spent most of the night NOT sleeping... Which was great but fairly irresponsible in hindsight. Worked at Sonoma all day and now I'm at the bar until 1. I can't wait for the holidays to be over!! Been doing a lit of thinking lately about what I hope next year will be like... and about everything that has happened in 2008. I'll be sure to write more about this layer when I'm in my nice cozy house...

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Take 3...
in the pink
missangelstarr
So much for updated technology... my iPod Touch apparently hates the Live Journal App. I can't sync it right... blah. Maybe I was just being impatient tonight. I'll try again another day. For now I'm just super psyched about finding a new hotspot in my apartment... right in my favorite writing and reading chair. Life is good. Late night coffee, poker on TV and a snoozing Scoobie. Had a surprise and very welcome visit at work today which was nice... makes me think I reacted too harshly before and made a snap decision based on my own past mistakes, I may have to back peddle on that, we'll see. Made a decent amount of money at the bar... the new DJ is pretty swell and the people he brings in are actually normal which is a nice departure from the usual Mul-downers crowd. Our Christmas party is on Sunday which should be awesome... All in all, aside from working too much I can't really complain. Currently I'm in the middle of making super mix CDs for Christmas presents since it's my specialty, not to mention I am broke this winter... living by myself is better than it has ever been before but it's also super expensive. I'm making okay money and I can swing it, but this is only the second month I've had to pay the entire rent myself and since it's heating season, I can't be too careful. Unfortunately for most people I've been in a very mellow music mood lately so all my mixes are turning out to be pretty sappy... Oh well, maybe I'll encourage people to curl up with a book and wait out the cold weather... that's what I plan to do right now while I give my most recent masterpiece a trial listen...

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