Everything and nothing about that night made sense.
Things were so broken yet they seemed to come together perfectly.
Up to the point where there was nothing left but to say goodbye.
And we did.
The door closed and he was gone.
Then it came to me in a moment, in a song lyric...
Movie Script Ending.
Watch him leave, get your closure.
But he was already back... or, perhaps more importantly... he was still there.
That phrase took on an entirely new meaning.
Something in me broke at that second.
It was a long time coming, an unexpected way for it to happen...
and I knew nothing could be the same.
It wasn't just about us.
It was about me.
My usual way of guarding myself and pretending to be unaffected wasn't going to work this time.
The second I saw him I was overwhelmed with the fear that we had chosen wrong.
That he wasn't supposed to leave... not yet.
That this was our only chance.
Something told me that we would regret this.
But he still left.
And I was alone again... to think, to try to figure out what all these things meant.
Maybe I had to let him go but there was still something left unsaid.
So I made a phone call...
and I said it.
For the first time in years,
and I knew I really meant it.
With that confession, as much to myself as to him, my thoughts seemed to take a new direction.
I realized suddenly that maybe all these signs weren't for him at all...
Maybe they were for me.
Instead of things aligning to keep him here,
maybe it was just a sign that I wasn't supposed to let go yet.
That saying goodbye wasn't the right thing to do.
So what next?
Do I betray myself and my feelings by resigning myself to a platonic friendship?
Do I go back to being that person who keeps her feelings bottled up just to avoid making someone uncomfortable?
How can I look at his face knowing that I love him and that it may never be enough?
How can I call him a just a friend when he's felt like much more than that from the very beginning?
It doesn't seem to be an option for me at this point.
Nor can I convince someone that taking a chance is the only thing that makes sense...
when to him it isn't.
I can't expect him to ignore his issues...
or his fear that he isn't ready for me and may never be.
Any more than he can expect me to deny my issues...
and the fact that I really want us to be ready, and I'd like to work towards it, even if it can't happen just yet.
Walking away obviously isn't the healthiest idea for either of us.
We've gone through so much in such a short time to end up here,
and in spite of how hard things can get and how much pain seems brought to the surface by this,
and it's real.
If that is enough to make us deal with the issues we've each been burying all this time,
then maybe it's good for both of us.
Maybe we really are good for each other...
in any form that has to take.
I think this is something we shouldn't throw away.
So the question is:
If we acknowledge the things that neither of us can do
and what both of us shouldn't do,
how can we figure out what we have to do?
I guess that's something that still needs figuring out...
I just hope that we will get the chance before it's too late.